This week, the fifth week into my final year of university life has been a struggle. And I’m not even exaggerating, there have been bad weeks, but definitely not as terrible as this.
But why? I’ve taken some time out recently to figure out why I’m feeling awful, without a doubt the biggest factor into that are my migraine attacks, anyone who has ever experienced a migraine knows that they’re awful, the throbbing pain on one side of the head is enough to make you want to curl into a ball and cry. But what’s even worse are the sensory disturbances that come along with it, just before the pain arrives I start to lose my peripheral vision, blindspots are everywhere and the panic starts to set in. The first time this happened when I was a teen I thought I’d never see again, and that was a frightening thought.
So far I’ve had these attacks twice in a span of just a few days, usually a few hours and a nap later, I’m right as rain, except not this time, it’s been a day since the attack happened and I’m still ever so slightly feeling the effects, I’m still not 100% myself. And that sucks.
My little migraine rant aside, I’ve been forcing myself to stick to a 7am weekday schedule, which helped me greatly in the first three weeks, when I was still figuring out my schedule and getting started on work. But now, I find that pushing myself to keep to this unrealistic schedule, and then working more on weekends, has led to a self-inflicted burnout.
What’s even more scary is that I had no idea I was putting myself in so much pain, despite my good intentions, I was the reason for my downfall.
It took me five weeks of not listening to my body, in the name of academics and work, of not feeding myself as much as I should have, and not loving myself in the way that I deserve, to trigger migraine attacks and lead to taking days off.
And today is the day I want to change.
I want to still be productive and meeting deadlines without having to be awake before sunrise, I want to be able to meet friends without feeling like I should instead be working, I want to feel whole and deserving of a life that truly inspires me to be the best person I can be, without sacrificing my health.
I want to be me, unapologetically.
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