This week on the 10th October, it was World Mental Health Day, a day that I feel very strongly about, as someone who has encountered many obstacles on her way to becoming herself this day felt like a tribute towards my own personal struggles as well as the struggles of every single person on Earth.
I grew up in a childhood masked by happiness, joy, the normality of education filled with everything a child should have. To this day I carry upon my back the burden of knowing what no one else knows, it was far from normal, in fact, I mourn my childhood, I mourn that I allowed others to invade my personal space, my body, thinking it was all fun and games, thinking it was “normal”. I mourn that I grew up always on high alert with my head down wishing the ground would swallow me up so I could forget every single incident that every occured.
I mourn that I never forgave myself, even though I was not the one who needed forgiving.
Nightmares upon nightmares invade my soul, feasting upon my body inside out. The need for attachment, for external validation transpired into needing someone to hold me, to tell me that everything will be okay. Even if I knew I may never feel “okay” again. I held these broken pieces, not just of my heart but of my soul, shattered beyond repair, hoping time would heal.
Time does not forgive, nor does it forget, yet that invisible plaster that bounds my being to this day, I cannot ignore. No matter how often I tell myself none of it was fault, I carry a guilt of knowing I should have spoken up sooner, maybe I could have healed faster, but the courage I would have needed to look at my fear in face was something I never had. So I ran, and for years I’ve been running, to the point of forgetting of knowing what’s in the darkness behind me. All I know is that it creeps up closer, and closer.
That sinking feeling buried in the depths of my being, floats to the surface onlu be to recognised and then weighed down a hundred times heavier.
Gradually I felt what it’s like to be happy, to know genuine people care about you in a way others never could, to tune out the thoughts and feelings that became heavy. I learnt to put it down so I could learn about me, the person I’ve been with for 21 years, I never knew who she was, her story, her likes or dislikes, her strengths and weaknesses, I never knew her.
But I do know now. And she will flourish beyond her wildest dreams.
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