Despite the absolute terrors and horrors that are occurring in this world at the very moment, there is no way I can that deny improvements are taking place because of this new era. Though it’s been a year since I really delved into the new age of spirituality, of self-care of self-growth, self-love and all around becoming better people, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I do have to say, it’s not easy.
My life has been a series of perfectionist moments, of failures, of unrealistic expectations and standards, of ignoring my own health in so many ways. I was a perfect law-abiding citizen with competence, but I wasn’t me. I never knew what being “myself” meant or who I even was. I still don’t. Accepting that this is how lived my life up until a few years ago makes me feel like I missed out on living.
I could summarise this all in, bad habits die hard, but it isn’t that simple. Nothing is ever that simple.
Being happy means the world to me, being happy whilst being surrounded by family and friends makes my heart fuzzy and warm. Being happy in my own company is even better, the feeling of self-acceptance, of love and just feeling content with who I really, truly am is wondrous.
But what happens if I’m not happy?
A few minutes ago I was staring at my phone screen hoping for a message, anything that meant I was interacting with another human. Alas, after an entire day of fizzled out conversations I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry. And that’s exactly what I did. I can definitely say I have a shame monster because I felt awful after that. I could have continued but instead, I switched off my phone and started typing.
And then it hit me, after being on this self-development journey for an entire year I realised how important forgiveness is. Dare I say it, its just as important as happiness and joy are in our day-to-day lives.
I often forget that I’m human and allowed to make mistakes, I cried for two hours at work knowing that I had disappointed my colleagues, I could hear it in their voice. Since then I’ve been but a shadow of my usual self. I’m afraid of messing up, of making mistakes of becoming incompetent or a failure. I need to learn how to forgive myself and move on, to stop seeing life as a string of negative patterns. Simply because it’s not.
As much as happiness is a priority in my life, my new goal is to make forgiveness a priority, towards others and myself, because after all these years, I really need it.
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