Pardon this impromptu blog post which is literally being spun out of a realisation that came to me less than hour ago. Yes, I know, my perfectionist self is screaming, there is a lot of internal screaming going on because as opposed to the many other things I write about, there is no plan. There is no outline. This is my stream of consciousness, of thinking and ultimately of understanding something I’ve spent my entire life struggling with.
If you’ve read my two most recent posts you’ll know that I’m currently going through many changes, this is a period of movement in both my personal and professional life. The entire past month has felt cloudy, something which I really couldn’t explain, the strangeness made me question why I’ve had to feel this inner pain.
If you’re wondering what happened this morning, it was nothing out of the ordinary, today isn’t some sort of special ordained day where magic seeps out of every corner, I mean, I do wish it was. But the normality of it all makes it all the more special. I woke up after a restless nights sleep, wishing my mind would somehow awaken when it hadn’t shut down well last night. I went through the exact same routine of preparing breakfast and lunch, getting dressed, putting makeup on and then packing my bags. I caught the same 7.50am bus I catch every morning, down the road, then another bus 15 minutes later, and then the walk down the same roads that twist and turn. I saw the same neighbourhood cats trying to dodge hurried parents with their children, who, fortunately made it before the bell rung out announcing the start of the school day. I glanced down at my watch, it read 8:30am, I was exactly on time walking through the doors and into the offices.
Somewhere in the midst of my normal routine I began to think about the life-changing moments that are currently underway and ones coming soon, and I realised I felt cloudy because every time I’m pushed out of my comfort zone, every leap of faith opportunity that life throws at me, all the past traumas and hardships begin to surface. And it hit me like a ton of bricks, and questions began spiraling through my brain. The buzz and intensity of these thoughts felt like an adrenaline rush which had led to this exact moment where I’m translating this into words as best as I can.
Healing requires pain. Let me say that one more time, healing requires pain.
I understood that the hardships that began to surface, every sense of doubt, of insecurity, of sadness, of anger, of helplessness, and any other negative emotion we experience in times of pain and suffering happen when we haven’t healed. I’ve said this, on my blog, to other people and to myself that I have changed as a person, I’m not the same person as I was 5 years ago, let alone last month. But every time I was being tested those emotions would arise.
Maybe I hadn’t healed, at least not completely, maybe there were remnants of trauma that began to seep out this month causing me all kinds of distress. Maybe I was frustrated at this, with the mindset that if I hadn’t experienced this trauma, I would be in a better place. There were so many ‘what if’s’ circling around in my mind that I forgot the importance of what I had right in front of me. I lost the gratitude and happiness that gave me so many beautiful memories. Just as I write this, my heart swells, I’m beginning to feel thankful again.
It’s only now I see the value of healing, whether this be spiritual, emotional, physical or mental, we all need to press pause every once in the while, sometimes more often than others. But this healing requires pain, the more pain that is experienced, the more healing is required.
I don’t think I was prepared to hear that, not even from myself.
But now that this thought has been into my existence I’m beginning to change my perspective from anger and frustration to love and kindness. Including myself.
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