I can’t think of a better way to describe this month than cloudy, and no, I’m not talking about those soft, fluffy, serene clouds that you see passing by on spring days adding to the beauty of this new season. I’m talking about those clouds that enclose in on you, clouds that feel heavy, and carry darkness, feeling as if a storm will erupt and crash down at any second.
It’s not a pleasant feeling, living in a state of not knowing when you’ll erupt.
I’m not sure when I erupted but it happened ever so slowly in the midst of chaotic days and sleepless nights, when my routines and habits crumbled away, when the ground feel from beneath my feet and I was caught unawares. I could continue with this poetic imagery, but the reality is that it wasn’t pretty. I stopped taking time out for myself, I became more social, accepting every invitation to go out and forget the crumbling mess that was becoming my life. I stopped slowing down and being mindful, my mind was stuck in the future, in my fears of losing myself.
Tough is an understatement, and looking back it always will be.
Since yesterday, I’ve put down all my work, I was becoming preoccupied with my assignments that aren’t due until May and being seen as a failure at work because I couldn’t finish assessments properly on Friday for Monday. I know what you’re thinking, my priorities were out of wack. It reached a point when I wasn’t even in the equation of life, of my own life, there was no sign of my well-being. It took a lot of suffering to realise what it was that I was lacking, I was hoping that in the midst of moving forward thins would fall back into balance. Oh, how wrong I was.
For anyone out there who has been feeling like the way I have this past month, know that there will be a point where the clouds part, even if they are dark and heavy, they will pass. At times you’ll need to give them a nudge, and at other times the sun will beam down upon you without you even realising.
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