It’s been more than a while since my creative brain has decided to exist within my mind, I know for some, creativity never comes when you need it most, but for me it never comes when I’m either under a great deal of stress, or undertaking other types of non-creative work (admin and paperwork). At times I find this hard to balance, how do I switch from creavitiy to work-mode to creativity again? At the start of the year I envisioned myself becoming an expert at this. Little did I know that to become a master I would have to fail over and over again. I wasn’t prepared for that.
I want to complain, I want to make excuses but all that does is pass the time, even when time is something you need most.
But I know this really isn’t the way to go. So here I am, seemingly starting from scratch, it definitely feels like I’m beginning again, beginning from nothing, even with the nearly 200 blog posts under my belt.
We all need to perform miracles or magic tricks to get through life, even if you believe in plain luck, that’ll do. My favourite magic trick from watching famous magicians in movies or even in older TV shows was the disappearing act. I was in awe at how someone could just cease to exist with just the tap of a wand and the few mutters of those magic words.
There have been many times in my life when I wish I could disappear just like that, without leaving anything but a trace. These were the much harder times of my life when my mental health was at its lowest, daily functioning was just too much. I hated my body. I hated my mind. I hated my soul.
And there times when I don’t want to dissapear at all, times when I started to build a relationship with myself, to understand the language of my inner self, to translate needs and wants into things without so much as a speck of judgement. Thats’s when I loved my body. I loved my mind. I loved my soul.
The two aspects of visibility and invisiblity can sometimes clash, times when I need to disappear, from work, from people, even ones that I love dearly, so that I can re-charge and be back to my normal self, but I don’t want to, or I feel like I can’t. This is when things become toxic, when attachments start to arise, when my mental health starts to decline.
So this is me, speaking from a space where things have clashed, where I’ve been selfless instead of selfish. It’s time for something new.
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