Around a year ago I decided to take a huge leap into sharing more personal information with my readers and an even bigger leap into the world of counselling and therapy. At the time I wrote about my experiences, about how broken I became as a person, about how a toxic friendship threatened my well-being, my mental health and ultimately my life, and about how the relationship I had with myself was full of hatred, self-loathing and suffering.
Since then, 365 days have gone past and I find myself not recognising the young woman who suffered, almost as if she has become a part of me that’s been left behind. Of course, I don’t think that’s a bad thing in any way, but nonetheless, that young woman was still me, and at times, she still is. I find myself believing in the concept that each and every person is still in contact with their past selves, and in my case, I imagine there to be a thin, silver thread that connects me and her.
The reason I say this is because even though a year has passed by, I haven’t magically gotten better, yes I have learnt how to love and care for myself, I have grown so much as a person, and that intimate relationship is on its way to becoming even more beautiful in the future. But that doesn’t mean everything is sunshine and rainbows, in fact, it rarely is.
Currently, it’s safe for me to say that I do return to my former self when I’m stressed, or when conflict arises or even when I’m having a bad day, and it becomes so easy for me to negate all the progress I’ve made and revert back to being surrounded by toxicity. Except I don’t.And that’s the beauty of where I am in life right now. I have reached the stage of knowing that loving myself is worth more than harming myself, that self-care isn’t selfish, it doesn’t make you vain or conceited. In fact, it’s the most nourishing thing you can do to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.
Overall I’ve come to understand my purpose, I finally have a sense of self, a sense that I belong in this world, that I am powerful enough to make an impact on the people around me; and frankly, that’s enough.
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