When I was first drafting this post I had a few ideas in mind, the first being a how-to guide on how to write letters to help let go of the toxicity in your life, to help you find the venom that’s seeped into your inner being making life harder than it may already be. Then I changed my mind, a how-to post seemed a little detached I wanted rawness, I wanted to evoke emotion hopefully inspiring something inside of another person.
I stumbled across this idea which I’ve termed ‘goodbye letters’ after reading a few articles on letting go, I’d never considered that perhaps I’d ever need to revisit the past but when I was given a clear sign, it was something that I really needed to do. After realising that the pain I was feeling the last few months was similar to the pains of 4 years ago, I realised something needed to change I needed to move forward without the past holding me captive. It needed to go.
The idea seemed a little strange at first, handwriting letters to my bad habits, memories, people and experiences that I needed to make peace with, but it felt oddly comforting it was helping more than I thought it would. A lesson to myself and others: don’t knock it ’til you try it, an ancient saying but well worth listening to. In the beginning, I didn’t think I had the courage to because writing letters to toxic things meant reliving the past, reliving all those painful memories, those emotions something which I never thought I could do without mentally breaking down. I’m a sensitive soul and those uncomfortable things should be buried where they can’t do much harm.
Except that’s exactly what was happening, they had harmed me and still were, I just wasn’t consciously aware of it. It showed in my fear of looking stupid, of avoiding certain conversations even certain people because I was afraid of making a mistake. One wrong move and I’d be sent back down the depths from which I’d just risen up from. All my life I’d avoided talking to myself about certain things, I’d kept myself busy doing something, always doing something to avoid spiralling down a dark hole where my thoughts ultimately controlled me. Even to this day, being alone with my thoughts and nothing to do is an incredibly scary thing, by all means, I’d avoid it until it hit me.
The person inside this body is me, despite anything and everything that happened or that would ever happen to me, I would always have myself in the end. I needed to build a stable relationship with myself, for myself. It was then that I decided to do the scariest thing I could imagine. I sat on the floor in my bedroom, turned off my phone and let thoughts boil to the surface and take over. The beginning was slow, it seemed a little ridiculous even, why was I doing this again? Until negativity arrived I tried to battle the wave of emotions but then let them consume me. Everything that had ever happened to me passed through my mind that night, my fears, my worries, my problems, everything. I wanted to face it all. And I did, to the point where I was left feeling empty. I’d never felt that relieved in my life, I relished in it.
For the very first time in my life I faced my problems without running away from them, I was proud.
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