I was looking back on a draft post I made on what to blog about after exams & one point that really hit me was “to keep the blog posted on the thing that I learn” in hindsight, I think I already knew I was going to change, I always am but this time it was going to hit me more than ever and in a way more than I ever wanted it to.
Before exam season back in March & April I was content with life and all the things going on around me, I felt it in my very essence that perhaps I’d reached stability, perhaps meditation, yoga and mindfulness was truly guiding my life it was shifting me into a better place one where I was oozing contentment. Then in a split second, just like the way life is, it all changed, I was back on the floor breakdown after breakdown wondering how after 4 years I felt the same, the negativity crept inside me just like it had 4 years ago except this time I had guidance up my sleeve.
It’s only been a few days since the initial breakdowns since then the negativity takes up less of my day, it’s still there and I still feel it intensely but I try to let go as best as I can and move onto better things. That’s the thing about life, if you stick yourself into one place you’ll never know what could have been and life will just pass you by before you wake up and realise on how much you’ve missed out on. In case you haven’t already been able to tell I have huge FOMO.
One piece of advice that I came across recently was a short but sweet quote “I am whole” when I first thought about it I heard it and it passed in one ear and out the other, it’s wasn’t eloquent like the quotes I’ve heard of before and it wasn’t all that special, at least that’s what I believed. Until the breakdowns happened and to calm myself down I repeated the words “I am whole, I am whole, I am whole” over and over again, and it helped.
I realised that whether I’m on the floor shattering to pieces or on cloud 9 without a care in the world, I am whole. Even if I don’t blog for a whole month I am whole, even when I don’t have the energy to wake up and my thoughts are pulling me back under the covers, I am whole. Even when I spend the whole day disconnected from social media without knowing what’s happening
every minute,every second of the day, I am whole. I am not defined by my circumstances and these circumstances don’t define me.
Yes, I am struggling, there won’t be a point in time where I don’t struggle, but these struggles won’t tell you how brightly my smile shines when you tell me a funny joke or the way my laughter sounds when I’m having a good day. It won’t tell you I have a knack for travelling, for reading and most of all for writing, it won’t tell you my strengths or the things I’ve come to love. Simply put, it won’t tell you the truth about me.
A simple yet hugely important aspect that I ended up learning about and if I hadn’t reflected upon this, if I didn’t enjoy writing or blogging or even living inside my head, like the many other things in life, this would have just passed me by and I wouldn’t have realised. It honestly makes me wonder how much I haven’t realised.
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