I honestly didn’t think I’d be back so soon, but then again I haven’t given myself a strict schedule with my blog, even though I know it’ll help my site grow I haven’t been in a good place recently so my posts will be a little sporadic and slightly unexpected at times. Just like this one is.
Late last night I came to the sudden realisation that regardless of my circumstances regardless of anything that’s happening to me whether it is personal or not, I don’t want to deny myself happiness. For those of you who’ve been following my blog for a while or have read my posts, you’ll know my writing is a little story-like I play with the words that flow from my mind right down to my fingertips, I lay it all out like a three-course meal introducing concepts, ideas and incorporating my own personal experiences. But this time, there’s not much of a backstory, just words, plain, simple and raw.
For two years of my life, I lost myself completely and honestly, I’m still recovering from the way I was treated by someone I considered very close to me. I don’t hold a grudge against this person and since then I’ve received closure but it’s suddenly hit me that deep down inside I’m still a chaotic mess there’s a lot I need to accept, a lot I need to let go of and a lot I have to expose to bring to the surface. And one of those things is my twisted belief in what makes me human.
For those two years I numbed the pain, even an entire year after I buried those feelings deep within me hoping they’d never resurface again, that only led them to exposing themselves in much uglier ways, I held a firm belief that inflicting pain upon myself made me human, when I felt nothing, when I numb to the very core I brought pain onto myself and sure enough I felt that pain, I saw it as a relief that I was indeed still alive, barely, but I was still alive.
It wasn’t until long after, actually several years after that I began to feel fed up I wanted to bring joy back into my life and sure enough, I managed to. Most of the help I received was from meditation, yoga and mindfulness, it sounds incredibly cliché I know, but I was willing to try.
And it wasn’t until recently where I found myself lost in those same twisted beliefs that I realised I want to feel again, not pain or anger or sadness, but joy, happiness and contentment. I had finally realised what made me human, the positivity spreading throughout my very core. These magnificent forces of love, of happiness, are what make me human and that’s something I need to accept, to realise and most of all bring into practice. I’ve mentioned this before but when I feel myself falling, when I’m no longer feeling that stability that I long for I begin to punish myself for not experiencing happiness all the time, even when I know it’s unrealistic, so when I fall, I fall hard. And that’s still something I’m trying to recover from.
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As for now, my main focus is my Instagram account @whenlifeawakens which I gave a huge makeover to since it was my personal account for such a long time, but now it’s my main way to keep in touch my fellow bloggers, to update you on new posts and of course, to be aesthetically pleasing.
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