Despite what you may think from the title, this isn’t a fact post where I end up on a tangent about how much I love cats or my newfound obsession with burrito bowls, though you can’t really go wrong with a good burrito bowl; this is more of me talking about turning over a new leaf, metaphorically of course.
I consider my blog to be somewhat a true reflection of my inner soul, it’s a safe haven I’ve created on my own little corner of the internet that I use pretty regularly to voice whatever it is that is in my soul. And one of the biggest things that’s been on my mind recently is how much change I’ve gone through in the last three months, it feels almost surreal to find myself in such a state of serenity that I have to remind myself this is all real, everything that’s happening around me is real, I feel at peace.
And the reason as to why I consider it to be a huge deal, the fact that I’m now speaking up about this is because if you’ve read even just a handful of my previous blog posts you’ll see a pattern. This pattern is something I’ve struggled with my entire life, it’s something I’ve always tried year upon year to rectify, to completely get rid of, and I think I can say that day has finally arrived.
This pattern is pretty much an incredibly toxic cycle of negativity, the majority of my posts from my #HOWTOBEAOSS series and Habits of Successful People are positive and my genuine enthusiasm for these topics shines through. But every so often there would always be a negative post, this was mostly disguised as poetry, for example, I Can’t Forget or even my recent post on Realisations. Even though I was staying true to myself in that I wasn’t going to put some sort of fake enthusiasm into a blog post, especially if I felt the way I did back then; I could never seem to shake off those anxious thoughts, I’d find myself slowly slipping back into the void.
If you’ve read my post on the new changes I’ve experienced and how a huge stressor plagued me for over four years you’ll know I was struggling internally to the point of mental breakdown. And again this was never a one time issue, it wasn’t something new or something that arose suddenly, deep down it was a part of me and I was never sure I’d ever be okay again (I ended up in counselling and I blogged my entire experience on my Unfiltered series).
However, today marked a huge stepping stone, yet nothing significant really happened. I had a typical day as any other busy university would have, but I felt something on the inside that I’m not sure I can quite explain. It was more of a realisation that this happiness I was feeling was genuine, there was no void pulling me back into anxious thoughts and there was no grey cloud looming over my head waiting for the perfect opportunity to snatch me into darkness. In fact, it was pretty much the opposite.
That feeling, that switch that finally clicked inside of me marked the start of a new era, the start of something new if you will, and to be honest I can’t wait to see where it takes me to next.