It’s true when people say that you are your own worst enemy, in fact, I was so blinded by the concept of self-hatred until I realised how much of it is second nature. This is where the inner demons come in, we’re all fighting our own battles that it becomes easy to lose sight of what we’re trying to fight against in the first place.
I know from the moment I became aware of your existence you’d never leave me alone. You carved a home in my chest weighing me down, you knew I couldn’t fight it. I knew I couldn’t fight it. From the days that followed, there were no agonising screams or scars that would bleed the false truth; but there was silence, a deafening silence as you waited for the perfect moment to creep into my mind.
Do I regret letting you in? Should I? I tell myself yes, that there is a part of me that I’ll never get back, countless moments have been lost, friendships have been torn apart. There are so many people that got fed up with me and I don’t blame them, who would ever want a friend that was constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown at almost every moment?
Soon after, I began to let you in more and more because you were the only thing I had left. I understood no one would ever like me and that’s the way it was meant to be. My demons and I, living happily ever after. I shut off my emotions for a long time and found comfort in the pain you brought me, it was the only way I knew I was still alive, that I could feel something.
My story doesn’t end here though, over the past year I’ve learnt what it means to be strong, to fight, to not let the demons win and to know when to let go of the past that brings you down. I’m not saying it’s easy but it’s worth it because it’ll take everything you have inside you and more. The bad days won’t stop completely, but you’ll pick out the positive things that make your day. And maybe, just maybe you won’t have to fight so hard anymore.