Strong phrase, isn’t it. Hard to believe to, everyone’s got something they’d wanna change. Everyone’s got a past, events, people, places you wouldn’t want to speak about, let alone bring into your conscious memory. And the ‘what if’s’ they destroy us the most. What if I’d taken that chance, what if I had said that. What if, what if, what if. One single ripple can completely change our lives, crazy isn’t it?
Not too long ago, I had a dream (probably not the one that springs to mind when that phrase is said) but nonetheless I had a dream. The thoughts lingered even after I’d woken up, this dream felt important and I had to figure out why. So I sat facing an empty wall with nothing but a book and a pen. I wrote and wrote until a switch flicked in my brain. I understood, I finally understood.
The dream was a reflection of myself, rather the many different versions of myself, both past and present. As strange at it sounds, there I was watching myself, speaking to myself just being with myself. It was definitely strange, yet comforting all at the same time…
I was stood outside an old house, it had a solid oak door with a shiny, brass knob and windows upon windows. There were many candles, all lit and a single shadow dancing to soft music. I walked in to see my inner child, my young, pure, innocent self remembering all the fun times she had with friends and family with her sweet laugh bouncing off the walls. Her free spirit made the old house not feel so old anymore.
In an instant, the house was transformed, the candles were dying and the walls crumbling to dust. A grey cloud hung over the house and my inner child was nowhere to be seen. Again, I walked forward, narrowly avoiding pieces of the falling house. She sat in the middle of a large room rocking back and forth muttering to herself. As she looked up, her eyes met mine and they instantly widened, tears streamed down her face as she asked why I couldn’t stop the pain and the suffering. She was breaking apart and I couldn’t stop it.
Before I could even open my mouth to speak, the house was gone. Instead, the scene was replaced by a painful, recent memory. There I was back in my bedroom watching myself break down, over and over again. I could see the pain, the dull eyes and the empty space that I was once was. I wanted to scream for the pain to stop, but I just stood in the shadows and watched, knowing that one day she’ll become a warrior, a strength too powerful for the world to handle.
I met by broken inner child, held her in my arms and said I wasn’t going to stop the pain. The pain was important, it was necessary to move on with life, to learn and to grow. I promised her there will be many more cracks, many more walls will break, but light will one day shine through them and she’ll feel whole again. And from that day forward, I vowed nothing would ever bring her down again.
I remember waking up from this dream and playing it over and over again in my head, did I just accept everything that had ever happened to me, through a dream? It was by far the most important, eye-opening one I’d ever experienced. My final answer is, I wouldn’t change my past because it made me who I am today.