Hello everyone and welcome back, this post was a very difficult one to write because it holds so much meaning. I cried as much as I laughed and laughed as much as I cried….
I know I was an easy target. I was convenient. I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was the victim of your twisted words, your twisted lies. Every single day I slipped until I hit rock bottom, but that was okay, for you. It was all jokes and banter, you didn’t care. And I know you never will. No one ever saw those scars, I was just being teased, who’d believe me anyway? That didn’t make what you did to me any less painful.
No matter how many times I rose from the ashes, you were always there and I was always afraid. So many months went by and it was almost a relief, I’d finally escaped the labels, the tormenting. But I was wrong, I’d always been wrong. Yes, you’d hurt me in more ways than I can remember. But, worst of all, you turned me into you. I became a bully, I became my own prisoner.
I’d look in the mirror and pick out all of my flaws, one by one, until tears filled my eyes and I dropped, defeated to the ground. I’d spend days and nights wondering where I went wrong, was it something I said? The more I questioned, the more I realised, I was too sensitive, too weak, too vulnerable. I couldn’t even take a joke. That’s all I was to you, a joke.
Not long after, I changed. I stopped trusting people, I stopped caring, I was an empty vessel. My eyes never lit the way they used to, my smile diminished altogether. Life became a continuous dull ache and some days hurt more than others. I progressed only to have myself knocked back down to the floor. Why me? Why anyone?
It took me 18 years to realise it was never my fault, I wasn’t the weak one. I’d endured enough pain to last a lifetime and it completely destroyed me. I took this as a sign to recreate myself and start to become the person I deserved to be. Soon enough the pain turned into strength, the anger into hope and the carelessness to empathy.
Even to this day, I’ll never smile the way I used to but I’ll smile nonetheless. My eyes won’t be shining like the sun but they’ll flicker brighter. And life will sometimes still be a dull ache but it will be bearable because I’ll be surrounded by beautiful souls.
I’ll never be the way I used to be and that’s okay, because I turned into something better.